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Sometimes I blog about candy but most of the time I talk about my dick.
People always ask me why I never actually attend the Academy Awards. I tell them the truth: I don’t think I can handle that much resentment. It’s the nature of the film business that no matter how successful you are, there’s always going to be Steven Spielberg (I call him Steven). It’s not Steven’s fault—he can’t help it—but he should know that one consequence of his career is that it makes the rest of us feel bad. My advice is to try to avoid what I once heard described as zero-sum thinking: that there’s only so much success to go around and therefore anyone else’s good fortune means there will be less of it available for us. Would I want Spielberg’s life? Not really. Certainly not the gay-stalker part.

Do you guys think I’m sleepy because I’ve been burning the candle at both ends or is because I took one end and shoved it up my ass now my whole body is filling with smoke?

Can you imagine what having sex with someone from the Microsoft marketing departmetn must be like?

"Sorry, honey, I’m gonna give you Dick365 but it’s been a long day. I don’t know if I can give you Dick365 Ultimate. I know! I know! Dick365 is missing critical features, but I’m only giving you back what you put in."

Fucking ridiculous.

"A ticket came in."

1. Sensible Internet Policy based on knowledge not speculation.

2. Sensible Abortion Policy based on knowledge not personal beliefs + speculation.

3. Sensible Drug Policy based on rolling Dice and Divining Chicken Bones not speculation.

Outrageous HSBC Settlement Proves the Drug War is a Joke 

Read this and weep.

Received what I thought to be an extremist political pamphlet in the McDonald’s parking lot. Was pretty disappointed when it turned out it was just your average run of the mill religious pamphlet disguised as something way more exciting.

I’m sorry sir. We figured out why your bones keep breaking. You’re too fat. You have the density of a super massive black hole. Your bones snap like a 7-11 chicken wing under the pressure.
Honey, don’t be scared of the man in the Freddy Krueger mask. The scariest thing round these parts: Unchecked Police Brutality.
Me, giving my daughter insufferable Halloween advice.

TSA admits "terrorists in America are not plotting against aviation" - Boing Boing 

Shocker. Now finish taking off your pants and bend over slow. That is, if you want to make it to Columbus on time.

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